-Our boy and recent Tennessee divorcee, Al Gore, has decided to stop chasing tail, having divorced Tipper (I’ll tell you a funny story about their relationship later), in order to respond to Bill O’Reilly on why “global warming” has produced one of the snowiest and most diabolic winters in the northeast. Of course, the Tennessee tick hound responded via his blog, because what else could possibly be a more appropriate means of communication for the “father of the internet” than a blog?
-Al said, in response, that: “as it turns out, the scientific community has been addressing this particular question for some time now, and they say increased heavy snowfalls are completely consistent with what they have been predicting as a consequence of man-made global warming”.
-First, Al, where is this “community”? Did a group of scientists move in to a row of abandoned crack houses in Detroit from which they issue communiqués? Or are they scooping up foreclosed haciendas in suburban Arizona in some sort of hippie-reminiscent collective in which they have assembled their test-tubes and electrodes? Why does Al insist on using the sweeping generality of “a scientific community”? Not all “scientists” agree. It is one thing to take a poll. It is another to throw out all the results you don’t agree with. Guess what everyone in America likes vanilla ice cream more than chocolate, and if you do not agree, well, then, you don’t count. I am not saying that there is not a true divide amongst the real experts in this field. I am just saying that Al Gore is no expert.
-Don’t get me wrong, I believe in the concept of global warming. There is little question we have, and continue, to pollute our planet in more ways than a small brain like mine can even conceive (it makes me think of the old 1970s commercial with the Indian who cries a tear at some rubbish thrown at his feet). We should be ashamed at how much we consume and then discard without thought for the long term consequences. Think “Wall-E” for all of you have kids. It is a scary thought. That said, I am not terribly worried about my descendants exiting the planet on a Walmart constructed interplanetary vehicle only to become giant “Jello” pops.
-Gore, the great prognosticator, in his response to Bill O’Reilly (an equally unhinged human being) went on to say that the rise in global temperatures (also known as global warming, Al) is creating “all sorts of havoc”. In havoc does he mean the overthrow of the Egyptian government, the currency crisis of the EU, or the inability of Lindsey Lohan and Charlie Sheen to stay out of rehab (actually, here is thought: Charlie Sheen and Lindsey Lohan should get married and just move into the Betty Ford or the Priory for their honeymoon). Way to narrow it down, Al. Weather is weather. We have it whether we like it or not (as my Dad used to say. He, my Dad, also used to say “Chile today, hot tamale”).
-I always love sweeping predictions. It is like economists (which seems particularly this morning – nice consensus call on payroll sand way to think that the weather might not have an impact on the numbers looking for jobs this past month in snow boots and parkas). The longer you keep making the same prediction, the more likely it is to finally come true.
-While Al has his backers in the “scientific community” (we can all find a chiropractor but can we find a doctor – the value of the degree is a couple hundred thousand dollars and a number of invested years). So, when Al points to his crew of climatologists, I am somewhat skeptical. After all, this is the guy who claimed he invented the internet, a guy whose home (despite his “Inconvenient Truth”) is the largest private residence consumer of energy in the state of Tennessee (look that little tidbit up yourself). This is the guy who was married to Tipper and then packed her in after his political career ended (not that he should not have sooner). This is the guy that left-leaning (so far leaning and deluded that when they tip the boat over to the port side they consider drinking from the sea) Hollywood gave him an Oscar for his movie and a standing ovation. Noticeable in the front row of this crowd of intellectuals, in his praise that night, were a number of luminaries who had promised to leave the country when W was re-elected. They did not. Unfortunately (I had volunteered to buy some one way tickets. They clearly passed). But I digress.
-Al Gore is a buffoon. His fantastic claims of achievements not his own and his general girth discredit the cause for which he cries [As the aside I promised, the story of a friend whose wife made Tipper’s dress for the first inauguration of that famed Clinton/Gore ticket, goes as follows. At the inauguration before his death, Al’s father, Al Senior, a noted boozehound, walked up to the two couples – Al and Tipper and my friend and his wife, the seamstress. When the friend’s wife was introduced as the maker of Tipper’s dress, Al Senior’s response was supposedly: “Let me shake the hand of the woman that could fit that rear in that dress”).
-In the end, I think Al should sit back on that favorite coach out on his front porch and admire his combustible engine transport decommissioned (his car on cinder blocks) and realize what he is, a pig farmer from Tennessee whose 15 minutes of fame are up. Me, I’ll get back to shoveling my “global warming” snow.
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