As I am out until next week, I thought I might scribe one more "editorial" before I go in the hope I might interject some last bit of amusement for the next few days.
In the bar (after my hockey game, and thus not in a saloon for no better reason than the gratuitous consumption of alcohol for alcohol's sake), my teammates and I were discussing the ridiculousness of the current "bowl" schedule. At the crux of the issue being discussed was the fact that the BCS and recent and current college AD's have completely dismantled what was a great set up of New Year's Eve and New Year's Day bowl games, dispersing them, for television and advertising revenue purposes, over what seems like an eternity through December and into January. Additionally, like the Bad News Bears of the "Chico's Bail Bonds" sponsorship, college football and the NCAA have embraced any and all comers willing to kick a few bucks into the coffers to get their names on "any old" bowl game.
Check out this list of some classic "bowls". There is the "Beef O'Brady Bowl" between Rutgers and UCF (not the side dish of Undercooked CauliFlower but University of Central Florida who's mascot maybe a raw vegetable, for all I know). Clearly one of the odds on favorites for best/worst bowl name and sponsor, this match up in St. Petersburg must find its stands filled with geriatric snowbirds who think it is actually a buffet give away as opposed to a football game. Imagine all the white caddy's in the parking lot and the confused looks of the somewhat senile local septuagenarians as they seek out their bowl of stew.
In other "classic" bowls let us not pass over the "Sheraton Hawaii Bowl". The destination makes this bowl a worthwhile enterprise for winter vacationing but I cannot fathom how they will play a full football game in the parking lot out back of the Honolulu hotel. "Little Caesar's" gets billing for its sponsored game. Rumour is they are also running a "buy a ticket, get a foreclosed Detroit house for free deal" in hopes of moving a few of the foreclosed and rundown houses that blight that city. There is the "Meineke Car Care Bowl" from which each team gets a free muffler for its team bus. There is the "Emerald Bowl" which may be worth going if they hand out free jewels, or you really like the colour green. There is the "Brut Sun Bowl" [this one leaves too many jokes to even begin to address it]. There is the "Texas Bowl", which someone very subtly named and is played in - wait for it - Texas. There is the "International Bowl" which was played last year and not renewed because it was no longer safe to play football in Kandahar or Canada. I cannot remember which. There is the "Kraft Fight Hunger Bowl" being played by Nevada and Boston College [the question here is whether the Jesuits can convert those crazy folks from the Sin State on the field]. Kraft is, in the holiday spirit, going to offer free tickets and mac-n-cheese to fill the stands. And please do not forget last year's two notable bowl games sponsored by GMAC and Citi. The BCS chose to rotate out both of these as sponsors after the Administration demanded the games be renamed the "US Government Bailout Bowls".
After examining these sponsors and more (Valero Alamo, New Era Pinstripe, AutoZone, AT&T, Papajohn's, Allstate, GoDaddy.com, Military, Capital One, Outback, Chick-fil-A, Insight, Bell Helicopter Armed Forces, Hyundai Sun, TicketCity, Vizio Rose Bowl, Tostitos Fiesta, Discover Orange, BBVA Compass, Kraft Fight Hunger, Champs Sports, Franklin American Mortgage Music City, S.D. County Credit Union Poinsettia, Bridgepoint Education Holiday, New Mexico and R+L Carriers Bowls…phew), I wondered what other bowls we should be considering. First in mind of course is the "Kohler Toilet Bowl" which could be played in Newark. How about the "Chipolte Burrito Bowl" played somewhere in a strip mall near you (not to be confused with the "Taco Bell Playing for the Whole Enchilada Bowl"). There could be a "Cialis Bowl" which would be played in Toronto at the Skydome to take advantage of the hotel overlooking the field (do the curtains still open facing the field?). Viagra might agree to sponsor a game, as a competitor to Cialis, going with the "Bath Tub Bowl" (because we have all seen those adds of the couple sitting in bathtubs in the middle of a field). The game would not be scheduled but could pop up at any moment. There might be a "Cotex Bowl" which would be played in a stadium with no seating so that you would have to watch it at home while being nagged. And maybe there could be a "Xanax Bowl" where no one cares who wins but everyone is super happy to be there.
With all this food for thought, one wonders why the BCS cannot figure out a playoff system and a real national championship. Then again maybe they should consider talking with CBS, as I think I have the perfect National Championship Playoff system sponsor. How about "The Price is Right Bowl and Championship"?
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